blog relocation is underway. all the content on here is slowly being transferred and deleted so check out the new blog and follow me you skanks.

  10:19 am  |   September 24 2011   |  View comments  

Tell stephen hawking I found him his perfect mate.

Say hello to CrippleWithSwag. She just dropped her first hit YouTube single.

Am I dead wrong for roflmao at this? As soon as I heard the beat drop and the rasp of oxygen coming through her breathing tubes I was like ‘ohhhh shit i know this is gonna be good’

notable quotes…

“not only offer great sex but best spots in parking lots”

“i’ve had sex with normies they were pounding my ass and once they go cripple well they just ain’t never been back”

“i can’t even move my fuckin knees but i still kick it all day”

“but baby if you’re worried it’s still time for sex, you can’t impregnate me through this tube around my neck”

(Source: youtube.com)

  12:57 pm  |   July 6 2011   |  View comments  

alotta people’s daddy issues come up on father’s day, and by come up i mean seethe under the surface, since nobody wants to be that guy on father’s day all drunk and crying about the daddy that they never got to play catch with.

father’s day doesn’t work like mother’s day, father’s day doesn’t apply across the board to all fathers like it does for mothers on mother’s day. like even if you’re a supershittystreetwalkingcrackwhoremom, you still at least deserve a call on mother’s day since you carried me for 9 months (possibly only 6 months since as a crackwhore you’re probably prone to premature birth). Even if you did a shit job afterwards you still sacrificed your vagina (which would probably be getting you a lot more crack now if it didn’t feel like a bowl of pudding) for me. So yeah, all mothers get credit on mother’s day.

not the same for fathers on father’s day. qualifications for being a sperm donor are more stringent than qualifications for being a father. all you have to do get a shitty father’s day gift is knock a bitch up. but in order to even be considered for a sperm donor position you need to have a higher education from a good university, be at least 5’10 and attractive, have an IQ above 100, no history of drug or alcohol abuse, no family history of mental illness or health problems, the list goes on and on (unrelated note… sperm donors are a pretty good dating pool if you can get over the whole hehas15kidsouttherethathedoesntknowabout). So all you bitches out there ‘cleverly’ calling your baby daddies “sperm donors”, don’t flatter him because he clearly doesn’t fit the bill, and if he did he wouldn’t bewith/trappedby the girl he refers to as a “sperm receptacle”.

but i mean shit happens dude, sometimes some hoodratbitch you’re fucking decides for some reason that your mediocreass quality of life is so desirable that she wants to ‘elevate’ her own quality of life by being with you forever and ever i.e. getting pregnant on purpose. but there’s no fucking way you’d marry this bitch so she becomes your baby mama i.e. the bitch who harasses you about child support because she’s bitter about the ’damaged goods’ response she gets when she goes club hopping e’ery weekend, despite her best efforts to just caaaasuuually slip it into the conversation after she’s gotten a free drink outta some unsuspecting dude…

dude: so where you from?

babymama: i’m from Eastbumblefuck

dude: where’s that?

babymama: you know that town over from Genericmall, it’s right next to thenurseryschoolwhereidropoffmyson?

dude: Oh, you have a son?

now she thinks he wants to hear about the shouldabeenanabortion so she talks about how old the mistake is while the guy nods slowly and uses his peripherals to look for women without lincoln tunnel-esque vaginas.

and sometimes you impregnate some crazy pro lifer (see: hispanic catholic girl) in a blacked out one night stand and even though you push her down the stairs and chase her down the street with a rusty coat hanger she still decides to fuck up both your lives. but then you think to yourself, nah bitch your gonna fuck up your life cause imouttachea. c’est la vie.

i mean i dunno about you guys but i had a crappy father (cue the violins and waterworks) so i feel entitled to openly saying fuck father’s day. don’t worry i’m not about to recount vivid details of being molested, cos he wasn’t that kind of a crappy father (only white people molest their own kids). he was more the alcoholicwomanizingwifekidbeatery type. but that was just when we were kidsuntilweturned18.

now it’s worse though. he’s a jesus freak. like full on evangelicalbiblethumpingspeakinintongueswonttalkboutshitelsebutjesustype jesus freak. every time i’m forced to see this literal motherfucker, he gives me a bible. i’ve collected so many bibles that IM gonna have to start being the weird motherfucker that gives bibles as gifts (jewish friends, i’m looking at you). or maybe i’ll have a bible burning, i can photograph it and make a .gif out of it with a witty caption and e-mail it to him with a note, “thanks for bibles. apartment you never helped me with was really cold. get back on the bottle, you need it”.

  12:56 pm  |   July 6 2011   |  View comments